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A Very Personal Personal Shopper: A gift for K's friend

K writes: "Hi Outblush, I have a problem figuring out if I should get a gift for my friend who just had a baby boy. Now usually you would automatically say yes, but this is a different situation. My friend was a virgin and lost her virginity, got pregnant and is now giving him up for adoption. It will be a very open adoption but he will live in one state, and she in her home state. I have no idea the protocol for this type of situation so the things that came to mind were a nice bottle of champagne or some kind of pampering (spa day, or something to that nature). I don't want to bring up a tough subject but I still want to get her something. -K"

Hi K. I'm Found of You, and this was a tough one, but you knew that. The problem here is that grief and loss are very personal, and we don't know your friend personally. We talked about this a lot, though, and we came to the conclusion that all women are different, but we all would want to know that someone cares. I had a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my son, and I was absolutely in despair, but I didn't want the pity party. I ignored phone calls from my friends, because I didn't want to talk. Some friends sent me simple emails saying they were thinking of me, and that if I needed to talk or just have some distraction, they were there. I vastly preferred the emails. After about a week I called my friends, and we got together at one of their houses for action movies with no babies in them and lots of junk food. I smiled, I laughed, and I felt much better. We didn't talk about my miscarriage at all. We just had fun, and life felt normal again. So, based on my experience, I'd say a good thing to do would be to email your friend, or have a gift delivered to her with a sweet note. Just tell her you care and you'd love to go to a movie or come over and bring her some food. I had a friend who gave up a baby girl, and I helped her make a book for her baby with pictures of my friend and the birth dad and a letter to her baby. I think that made her feel better. You could offer to help your friend with a project like that. Bring over some scrapbooking supplies and bottle of wine (I'd stay away from champagne - it's too celebratory)... I hope this is helpful, and these are just my ideas! Here are some thoughts from our other editors, and some gift ideas for you:

Layla: There's also ideas like gifting a donation to and other non-profits in someone's name or memory. I completely understand it's a personal stuggle--losing or giving up a child--but I think it's always nice to know that friends and family are there to support you when you feel ready to turn to them!

One Ring To Rule Them All: I might not want to advertise my situation to the world, but I would LOVE it if a friend offered to go get a pedicure with me or watch some movies and make me spaghetti for dinner and let me talk or not.

Carlota: I also had a miscarriage before my son and you don't want to be reminded of it, but it's still nice to know that someone cares that much. Not sure about Chicago, but I've actually made a donation where I live and a bench on the boardwalk was engraved with that person's name in their honor. Maybe something like that in a park? A personalized paver at Disney World? Just thinking of childrens themes.

1 - Junk Food Junkie Gift Basket ($20) - Tell her if she needs help eating this, you'll come over with a some DVDs and you'll attack it together.
2 - Smell the Roses Wine Gift Basket ($70), more options available at Cheese & Wine Unlimited Wine + Chocolate = Aaahhhhh!
3 - Snuggie Fleece Blanket ($6) Very comforting, and kinda silly.
4 - Pacifica Tuscan Blood Orange Take Me There Gift Set ($18) This scent is very uplifting and energizing.
5 - Sephora Collection Color Palette ($18) She can paint on a happier face! Seriously, just looking at all these pretty colors is a mood booster.



Posted on 05.11.11 at 12:14 PM

Give her gifts that help her move on with her life and show her that she's loved. I wouldn't give a memorial--her baby didn't die and it sounds like she will still get to see him. It's too morose. It sounds like she made an incredibly selfless decision and is giving the baby the best life it can have. Let her know you're proud of her, but comments like "I could NEVER do that" are not helpful because they imply that she's coldhearted for giving up her kid.

So anyway, help her move on by getting her something for a favorite hobby or plan a girls weekend a month or two from now. She needs something to distract her and something to look forward to.

Found of You

Posted on 05.11.11 at 1:21 PM

I thought of another idea! In a few months, you could offer to put money toward a plane ticket for her to go visit her son. A few friends could go in on it and buy the whole ticket.

emily j.

Posted on 05.11.11 at 2:40 PM

Found of You and the rest of the Outblush ladies, you addressed this personal shopper request beautifully!


Posted on 05.12.11 at 7:26 AM

Girls, you did an amazing job. Thank you so much for responding. It helps and means so much. I have been reading outblush for years and never thought you would actually respond but I am amazed. I got the email saying there was a response yesterday at the end of my work day and I was in shock and tears and texting my best friends to check it out. Everyone had nothing but thanks and praise. You are all amazing!

You really blew my mind. It gave me the perspective I needed. I will definitely be back to let you know what we do for her!! :)

Thank you again!


Found of You

Posted on 05.12.11 at 10:31 AM

Hi K! I'm really glad we were able to help you, and we're definitely looking forward to hearing what you do for your friend.

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