Dec 21, 2010 9:30 AM
We've all got a horror story about the time our mom gave us a box filled with tampons and a training bra in front of our entire family that one Christmas, or the time our new boyfriend gave us a membership to an S&M club, or, worse still, diet pills. In honor of the worst gifts we, the Outblush staff, have ever received, we present a special holiday edition of Doubtblush: Wreck the Halls, where we'll tell you the stories of the most awful gifts we've gotten, and find a modern counterpart to it.... You know, just in case you've got a White Elephant party coming up.
Picture, if you will, a wee nine year-old, princess-and-My Little Ponies-obsessed Janetor. (Also, an inveterate sugar fiend.) At a Christmas party for swim team, we were all asked to bring a gift worth $15 or less, and since our ages ranged from 6 to 18, most of the team parents played it safe and bought Blockbuster gift cards, candy gift bags, cookie sets, etc. Throughout the party, my eyes greedily roamed the gift table, trying to figure out which gaily wrapped gift would contain the most sugar, which my mother surely wouldn't be able to ration out for me if I hid it in my swim team duffel bag before she arrived to pick me up. The anticipation grew and grew, until I was pretty much full-on Hyperbole and a Half-style jonesing for what I knew would be a fabulous feast of HFCS and Red Lake Number 5.
Finally, my turn came to pick up a bag. I grabbed the biggest one still left on the table, and ripped into it: A giant, gross, Predator movie action figure, much like this Alien VS. Predator: Requiem NECA Action Figure Series 4 Battle Damaged Masked Predator ($65). I'm not sure whether or not I should be ashamed of this, but I hollered, "WHO BROUGHT THAAAAAAAAAAAT?" and burst into tears. A seven year-old little boy came forward and yelled, "I did! It's COOL!" and he ripped it out of my hands and ran off. Sadly, by the time I calmed down, there were no more gifts left on the table.... And this little sugar addict spent the rest of the party wrapping cookies and jelly beans in napkins from the food table, stuffing them into her duffel bag.
Since that day, when going to a group gift exchange, I have played it extra safe and stuck to Starbucks gift cards, boxes of Godiva, and the like.
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