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I'd Rather Be: Nessie in Disguise

While a Personal Shopper can give you what you need for real life, I'd Rather Be sets you up for fantasy lives you didn't even know you had. Because sometimes a new shampoo isn't enough for a whole new you. (Want us to outfit your alter ego or your alternate reality? Just say the word!)

When Nessie the Loch Ness Monster gets tired of the shadowy deep, she heads into Inverness for some much needed Scottish "sunshine". And you know you'd love to walk in her big, bad... flippers. But you don't want to be recognized and have yet another awful photo of you making the rounds, so here's what you need to go incognito. (Special thanks to Emily H., our favorite ex-pat in Scotland, for her amazing suggestions.)

  • Your first order of business is to obscure your famous face with these Ralph Lauren Ricky Tartan Sunglasses ($250).
  • When extra misdirection is needed, like when that little kid starts pointing out your massive size and green skin, simply lift up your Neon Red Mustache Necklace ($6) to cover your scaly upper lip...
  • cinch your ample torso in this Query Raincoat ($191)...
  • wrap about ten of these Polo Ralph Lauren Tartan Scarves ($78) around your long neck...
  • and hide behind this Krystal bag ($94).
  • You can also bury your face in a copy of Breaking Dawn ($8). There's a character in there who shares your name, and is also a monster, so you have tons in common.
  • Getting hungry? Munch on some Nairn's Oat Crackers ($20 for six boxes).
  • There are lots of nasty rumors that you eat sheep. WhatEVER. You know you're a pescetarian ($12 for a fish snack). That said, you'll happily have a glass of this (totally sheep-free) Spencerfield Spirit Company Sheep Dip Malt Whiskey ($6-$42), or, if you're in the mood for something more refreshing, their Edinburgh Gin ($varies), which has a cool modern label and comes in tasty flavors.
  • For dessert, of course, some classic Walkers Shortbread ($6).
  • To soothe your scaly skin and your longing for your home under the loch, slather yourself in Crystal Lake Lotion ($15).
  • When you finally get home from your trip, send your sister Ogopogo a postcard ($1) telling her about your adventures.

    Staying undercover during this trip will cost you around $687.

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