Father's Day Personal Shopper: Ryann's Weird (And Proud Of It) Father

Says Ryann: "Ahhh...the subject of my father. Where do I begin? The man's a weirdo. Weird and proud of it. He kisses snapping turtles, encourages his daughters to melt chocolate bars so that they resemble feces, and tries to befriend skunks. All of which have embarrassed me tremendously and have made me love him all the more for it. Shopping for this man can only be described as comparable to searching for the lost ark of the covenant. I'm in desperate need of help!"

Weird, huh? We'll get an easy one out of the way first and suggest 1) The Ed Wood Box, which contains five of the master's films and a disc of extras for $27, which may or may not seem like a great bargain to you given how bad these movies truly are. Although that's the point. The economics of Ed Wood make our heads hurt. And that leads us straight to our #2 pick, a nice portable paperback edition of the confusing novel to end all confusing novels, 2) Finnegans Wake ($15). We'll wind up the media selections with what's possibly the weirdest choice of all: 3) experimental music project Nurse with Wound's album Sylvie and Babs ($34 or more, from various sellers). Would your dad enjoy listening to a jokey, Dadaist album that reviewer Anthony D'Amico summed up like so: "I'm at a somewhat upscale party in the 1960s. I'm dressed (quite suavely) in a tuxedo, sitting at a table in a shadowy corner sipping a martini while watching happy couples dance. About halfway through my drink, the room begins to swirl and the sounds of the party around me begin to warp and bleed together and I realize that I have been poisoned. As I slump from my chair and consciousness ebbs, everything around me becomes increasingly hallucinatory and fractured. As I fade further, my increasingly misfiring synapses begin to trigger all kinds of irrational memories and nonsensical impressions, ranging from chicken commercials to Frank Sinatra to the goddamn "Dragnet" theme. Then it all goes black. End of album."? We think he might.

Your description also made mention of both excrement and candy, so we dug up - not literally - this glossy 4) coprolite from Utah ($18), which indeed is fossilized what you think it is (might make a nice keychain) and these amazing, but amazing, 5) caffeinated maple bacon lollipops ($10-$52, depending on how many you buy). Lollyphile also makes a non-buzzed version, as well as lollipops in other flavors such as Wasabi-Ginger, White Russian, Absinthe, and Lavender, so there should be something for anyone's taste.

We're finishing up the list with a bottle of 6) Calvin Klein Obsession for Men ($45), and lest you throw up your arms in disbelief because that is the lamest, most predictable, un-weird man gift ever, we'd like to say right now that it's not for him to wear. It's so he can spray it on trees and other objects to attract wildlife, as documented in this interesting and completely ridiculous article from the Wall Street Journal.

So, Ryann - weird enough? Let us know how we did!

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