Personal Shopper: Wooden Shoes for Dan

Dan, AKA, "Billy Ray Valentine Capricorn," is a co-worker of ours at OB HQ. Dan is 6'4", built like a linebacker, and wears Crocs. But Crocs... they ain't so manly. And today, he mentioned that he'd been wanting to find those old school leather shoes with brass buckles and a wooden bottom, so he could walk around all loud all the time - you know, just to convince people that the 6'4" linebacker lumbering towards them is a real man.

Mr. Valentine, we understand your need for some footwear that will say not just "thwack-thwock" but "Here I am, baby." It's time to get your Benjamins on. (When you kick it with him, it effing HURTS.)

Starting with the "poser" option, we have the 1) Concord shoe favored by Revolutionary War reenactors ($104), which gets points for Buckle Blatancy but loses them for not having soles made out of actual wood. For the poseur's poseur, there are these 2) wooden Keds ($68), possibly worn by Revolutionary War-reenacting little old ladies.

From our friends in foreign lands, there are always these 3) geta ($20), which are pretty much wooden rectangles with straps and crossbars and which are "***NOT FOR RUNNING, JUMPING OR DANCING", and these 4) wearable Yellow Farmer Wooden Shoes ($53 - but really priceless).

One step away from true bravery are 5) pattens ($81) to be buckled on top of other shoes.

But the pair that really killed it for us are these 6) wooden-soled brogans ($95), which combine an upper of pure boring with a sole of pure pain. They are handmade by British clogmakers and sold in an online emporium which also features miniature cannons, with complete firing capacity, from 5.5 to 12 inches in length.

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