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Doubtblush: Wreck the Halls - The senior citizen gift basket.... For a teenager

We've all got a horror story about the time our mom gave us a box filled with tampons and a training bra in front of our entire family that one Christmas, or the time our new boyfriend gave us a membership to an S&M club, or, worse still, diet pills. In honor of the worst gifts we, the Outblush staff, have ever received, we present a special holiday edition of Doubtblush: Wreck the Halls, where we'll tell you the stories of the most awful gifts we've gotten, and find a modern counterpart to it.... You know, just in case you've got a White Elephant party coming up.

Trajano, here: My grandmother was infamous for two things - her inability to tell a joke successfully and giving terrible, terrible Christmas presents. She fell into the classic quandary of giving you what she wanted you to want. Of course these objects never bore even a passing resemblance to anything you'd actually desire, let alone be excited about opening up. The year she really outdid herself in terms of weird, awkward, and just plain bizarre was Christmas 1996. I received 50 puke-green washcloths, two dozen pastel mock turtle neck dickies, 12 pairs of control top panty hose, and three bulk-sized bottles of Gold Bond body powder. As nothing I could come up with would fully describe the horror of each subsequent unveiling I will offer up the comments my sweet Grammie Kit proffered as I unwrapped my treasures.

Washcloths: Ladies use washcloths missy, prostitutes do not. (Raises a single eyebrow like she knows something I don't)

Dickies: Dickies are the wooden spoon of a woman's wardrobe, they mix things up.

Panty Hose: Women in our family hide our stomachs and show off our tits (yes she really did say "tits" on Christmas .... welcome to my nightmare).

Gold Bond: Put it on all the leaky spots *whispers* keeps things fresh. (Winks)


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Comments


Caitlin

Posted on 12.09.10 at 3:14 PM

Wow. I'm so thankful that my grandmother gives me cash.

Faith

Posted on 12.10.10 at 9:28 AM

C'mon Missi, I didn't give you a box or plugs or a training bra in front of everyone. Please consider this my formal protest. I will cop to saying that if we lived in Middle Earth we would be elves because we are the prettiest and we never get dirty. And Grammy Kit was industrial strength quirky and I remember the Gold Bond Oh Gawwwwd.

Kathryn

Posted on 12.10.10 at 1:36 PM

Stop, stop, my sides are hurting! That was hysterical. Your grandmother gave you the greatest gift of all, a fantastically funny story.

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